Sunday, June 3, 2007

the pain of the year that was...

i don't know what stopped me from writing, or should i just use the term blogging? (cos i never thought of myself as a "writer") it's been a year when i last posted in a journal, not even anything handwritten. every once in a while, i'd read my previous entries. some would make me laugh, a few would make me cringe but for the most part, it made me remember the years when i never really knew who i was or what i wanted in life.

my last entry was dated april 24, 2006 and i just quoted something one man said to me. it did strike me at the time, however, today, i can simply smile at the thought of it. it made me realize that at a young age, even a short statement changed my day. i looked back at how much of a kid i was, grabbing everything sugar coated that was offered to me. i can not say i was happier, but i guess i was easier to please. i had a brighter outlook, a lighter atmosphere, a far cry from my currently cynical self. also, i saw my entry about my 21st birthday. turning 21 was a big deal for me. it marked the day of my being an adult, the legal age, the day when i was excited about actually being able to take care of myself financially, emotionally, etc. that was the same year that i got out of college and took a job at one of the most prestigious international banks. initially, i was bright eyed. i was ecstatic to meet new friends, get my first paycheck and shop with my own money. but a few months passed and it wasn't going well for me. i didn't like the job at all. i felt like i was being dragged to the office everyday. that was the start of hell for me. i have stopped smiling. i have stopped being giddy and candy colored. everything turned black since. i graduated from one of the best, if not the most esteemed universities in the country and i was working as a customer service representative at a bank. not that it's a degrading profession, it's just that back in college, i had other thoughts in my head, i had other plans. it wasn't what i expected. i knew i could've done better.

in august of the same year, mamang (my grandmother on my dad's side) got very ill and was brought to the hospital. i had a tight work schedule so i had to postpone visiting her for a free day like Sunday. my mom woke up that day and i thought she wanted to visit mamang early. but she was in tears and had a hard time speaking. and at that moment, i found myself trembling, fearing the news that she might bring. i waited for her to calm down and the words that came out of her mouth had a hard time sinking in. mamang died that same morning. i wasn't particularly close with her but she was my dad's mom, my blood, my lola. when i was a kid, i remember how i used to vacation in her house during summer and it felt like i was the favorite apo by the way she treated me. but when i grew older, we also grew apart when i wished we could've spend more time together. i wished she knew more about me now that i'm no longer the little girl she used to steal from my mom and dad. and i wished i got to know her better. to make matters worse, tatay (my mom's dad) died in his room just a month after mamang left us. it was devastating, it was emotional trauma to lose two of the people dear to you in a month's time. ife could be as short and regrets are formed once our hearts stopped beating (literally).

consequently, we had to take care of everything mamang left. it came with a series of families bickering, backstabbing, legal cases filed and greed that ate us all up. it's just like a soap opera, where the "herederos/herederas" fight over the "mana", regardless of whether or not you spit on your family's faces. but despite all the hating (and the money), it wasn't at all a good feeling for me. at the age of 21, i had to sign legal documents, attend court hearings and face some of the people i despise, the people i thought were the "family" i grew up with and loved. but i guess i was too optimistic as a kid, little did i know then that money and power entices anyone to turn his/her back on you. the events that followed were mostly caused by he never-ending saga of pinpointing, who wanted what, who should own this, who should be blamed for that. it was an awful sight, a part of my life i wouldn't want my children to hear about.

due to all the pressure, my mom was rushed to the hospital and underwent surgery for aneurysm. i guess she wasn't able to handle the preceding events. physically, she no longer had the strength to. this was the first time i found myself actually praying to God every time i see her in that state, with the stitches in her head, with the way she wasn't in her usual bubbly self. having to stay in the hospital for three weeks straight, spending the xmas eve with my mom in that condition was the second most devastating event in my life next to my dad's death when i was 5 years old.

but nonetheless, whether all these things happened by choice or by chance, whether or not i was overwhelmed with this sudden downpour of painful events, one thing i'm sure of is that it made me value my life and the people i love. i know it's not over yet. i'm young and there's more to come. i'm still in the process of growing and accepting. every day is a challenge as they say yet i'm still here, living, learning, fighting, waiting.

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posted by sunsummerlover @ 12:48 PM Comments: 0